Faithful to Follow Through

Call me naïve but I like to believe in people, including myself. Maybe it’s because, as we’ve all seen at different times, people are capable of great things! So when those people let us down that disappointment stinks doesn’t it? It’s not an emotion we like to feel whether it’s caused by others or ourselves. Disappointment happens when we don’t get the birthday gift we thought we were getting, when we don’t get the promotion at work, when we can’t deliver what the client asked for, when we can’t go away for the weekend like we told the kids we would, when our siblings ate the last of the treat and didn’t share, when others don’t seem to care as much as we do about an issue, when others are so busy focusing on things that don’t seem very important or things that mean they miss the bigger picture and they aren’t willing to make time for us, and when people don’t show up like they told us they would. It’s not always intentional and sometimes there’s a really good reason why we or they disappointed others, but it still hurts.

Maybe the worst part for me is how damaging disappointment is to relationships. Because the more someone lets us down, the more someone disappoints us, the more someone doesn’t show up, the more someone doesn’t follow through, the harder it is to trust that they’ll do something different in the future, regardless of what they say. And the longer we’ve known that person or the closer we are to that person, the more it hurts. And that’s just as true for them when we disappoint them too.

As we work through these last 3 months of 2023, what some people consider “crunch time,” I encourage you to step up and be a person of your word. Yes, definitely when it comes to others and your responsibilities do your best to commit to only things you know you can follow through on and give yourself realistic timelines to do that work. But this is also about your personal life and the victories you’re working to achieve. If your victories really matter to you, which I know they do, it’s damaging to your belief in them and your passion for them to not follow through on working on them, make progress on them and ultimately accomplish them. So maybe the best gift you can give yourself this holiday season is dedicated time to work on your victories so that not only are you making great progress in your life, you also show yourself and others that you follow through on your commitments.

Two Questions on Responsibility

Recently I’ve had two very different experiences with potential clients. In one situation we communicated well, met up and have started working together. With the other situation the person hasn’t been following through on communications in a timely fashion (using my 24 hour parameter of course) and didn’t show up for our scheduled appointment. The older I get the more I try to be patient with people because I understand that not everything moves at the speed of light, we feel our age more one day than we did the previous, and especially in the past few years we know that things can change dramatically in a matter of hours or days. But I don’t think that removes the importance of taking responsibility for yourself, your life and the choices you make.

The topic of responsibility is a lot more nuanced than you may first think. I know many people react with a groan or complaint or even an eye roll when the word comes up. There may even be a feeling of fear that you experience because in the past (and maybe even present) the responsibilities you’re given are those that you’re not comfortable with or as capable as you might like. When it comes to the topic of responsibility there are lots of choices to be made. When you choose to become a parent you’re accepting the responsibility that comes with that precious life. When you choose to be in a relationship, you’re responsible for yourself and your part in the relationship. When you run a business you’re responsible for the choices you make as the person in charge. If you say you’re an adult you’ve accepted responsibility for the actions you take, choices you make, and things you say you’ll do but don’t.

Sometimes your ability to create victories in your life comes down to the question of responsibility. Are you going to take responsibility for what has or hasn’t happened, what you agreed to but didn’t do, or even that you basically set yourself up to fail by trying to do too much at once? Because if you’re not going to take responsibility and admit what you have or haven’t done, it’s likely going to be a long and challenging road to get to victory, if you can even get there. I’m not suggesting anything along the lines of being a task master or beating yourself up, or that you have to be crazy fast and bold in your victory choices and journey, but about choosing to be an adult and be responsible for your actions and your life, especially when you’ve brought someone else in to help you with your victory journey.

As many people transition from one season of their lives and one season of the year to another, it’s a great time to take a look at not only the things you’re responsible for in your life like yourself and your loved ones as well as your job, but also at whether or not you’re taking responsibility for the successes, failures, confusion, struggles and victories in your life.

Reality Reflection: Limited

It may sound odd, but tied in the the pandemic and the economy over the months and years since 2020 began (but certainly not exclusive to this period in life) has been one word that is really starting to frustrate me: limited. For example: unless you were a front line worker you weren’t really going out in the early days of the pandemic. Service dogs aren’t born when Mother Nature isn’t producing them. Rains don’t fall when Mother Nature doesn’t send them our way. You can’t get a new job or client if no one will call you back. You can’t finish a project if you don’t get the answers you need. You can’t meet up as a group with your friends if no one is willing to give on the day/time. You can’t trust that technology (or perhaps the company that runs/produces that technology) will work the way you know it should if it keeps failing you and not doing what it says it will do (i.e. record a show, send an email, create pre-sale product listing etc.). You can only be responsible for half of your relationship with your partner: your half. You’re unable to write a book or come up with a new product idea unless you come up with a new idea that you can flesh out from start to finish.

Do you understand? As much as you may push forward to plant a crop, send out resumes, ask for help or answers, invite people to hang out, tell the technology to do what you want it to do, or have a thriving relationship, there’s only so much you can do. You’re limited in your efforts because part (or most) of it is out of your hands.

Part of it, the part that’s really starting to concern me, is the responsibility part. That people aren’t being responsible to the relationship they have, the things they’ve committed to, the other people out there in the world who need (and want) to work, the people whose lives or livelihoods depend on things working a certain way, and being able to get the support and access that should be a given but some people have hundreds of years of outdated beliefs that are pulling us back to a place that isn’t one of growth and potential. And I’m not just talking about my life or situation specifically, but from dozens and hundreds of people who have been sharing their frustrations and the limits they’re facing in droves over the past few months especially.

Yes, limits have a place in life, like so many other things. For example I can understand that a master chocolatier can only produce so much chocolate in a day, assuming they can get all the ingredients and resources they need to perform at their maximum. I understand that there are only so many products that can fit on a shelf at a time, so stores have to limit what they put out. I understand that we limit the amount of hours we work because life is about more than work and most people have families they have to care for in addition to the sleep they need personally. I understand that companies can only hire a certain number of people at a time because they only have the work for that number of people to do and not every nice/qualified person that walks in their door. I even understand that we can’t celebrate Christmas all year long to the magnitude that we do in December because not everyone loves it as much as some of us do.

So maybe more than anything, this is an invitation for myself, and you if you choose, to think about if and how your actions, your words, your decisions, are limiting others. Are you being selfish or lazy or inconsistent or irresponsible when it comes to how others rely on you? I know most of us are only guilty of this from time to time, but I also know some people who are chronic limiters and whether they do it consciously or not, they crush other people’s potential and the potential they personally have and the potential that their relationships can have. It’s not about getting things right all the time or moving through life at warp speed, but about being aware of the fact that your actions or lack thereof can be like sitting at a railroad crossing when the gates are down and waiting first for the train to even show up and then waiting for the 100’s of cars to go through following the engines. If we’re really a world that believes in potential and fulfillment and people’s dreams, shouldn’t we do our best to be responsible about our impacts on others? If we give this just a little bit of effort, I think we’ll find that we’re less stressed in our lives because of not having things backed up, and others will appreciate how we keep things moving so that they can make other decisions they need to make and experience less stress too.

Reality Reflection: What’s the Reason?

Every day we make decisions and take actions based on those decisions. Sometimes the end result is what’s known as a “head scratcher” or result wherein people question what made you think this was the right thing to do or how you could have possibly gotten this far into a metaphorical hole and let things get “this bad.” And sometimes our answer is that we weren’t thinking or didn’t have any idea how our actions could cause such destruction or we were just curious or things got completely out of our control. And of course the response back is usually along the lines of: but why didn’t you ask for help?

Sometimes we absolutely do make a mistake and have no idea that things could snowball like they did, that’s why they’re called “accidents.” Regardless of how hard we try to be responsible or how aware of how situations can change we are, we still are human and have days where we’re tired or just do what we’ve always done or get distracted or get called away from what we’re doing or forget to communicate something or it’s that really rare 1-in-a-million happening. Soldiers who have been to war can tell you that tunnel vision definitely exists and even the most alert people can get so focused that they’re unaware of what else might be going on.

Sometimes the reason is not something we want to hear because it hurts. Sometimes people are intentionally violent or vicious or hurtful or hateful or make decisions that they know aren’t “good” but they’re what they feel is right (for instance when people hurt or kill those who have wronged them or killed a family member or friend). They absolutely have a reason in the back of their minds for how they ended up in this situation or why things went in this direction, even if they aren’t willing to share that reason.

And it comes down to the fact that reasons do matter. Every detective or investigator, victim’s family, or person who’s left holding the bag want to know why. Why did you do this? Why didn’t you do something else? Why did it have to come to this? Could anything have been done to prevent you taking this course of action? How can we avoid something like this in the future?

Why? Yes, because we’re curious people and most of us do care about how we get from point A to point B as well as the impact of our actions and decisions. But mostly because life matters. We all want to live to see another day, and hopefully the next day is a little better than today was or at least not any worse. We all have people in our lives that we care about and we hurt when they hurt. So the next time you find yourself in a situation, take the time to figure out why you did what you did, or find out from the other person or people why they did what they did, because it could make all the difference in the world.

Reality Reflection: Everyone Can Make A Difference

Who could do something like that? How did we get here? How did it fall apart so fast? How did we miss the signs? How could [they] do something like that? These are all questions we ask about things that happen around the world from terrorist attacks to genocides to murders to awesome ideas and businesses that failed for unnecessary reasons. Too many things that happen in our lives or in our world are hard for us to understand because they’re not things we would do and we can’t understand why someone would do something like that or who wants to live like that.

I was talking with some people about the situation in Afghanistan and they shared one story of some former military and other people who got together and were part of the solution for bringing out thousands of refugees. These weren’t people using regular airlines and waiting on the government to help, they were just using their resources and connections to help others. The same can be said about the men and women and organizations who are helping provide water and cleaning stations to the homeless, or better toilet solutions to parts of Africa that have few resources or the people, organizations who help those with addictions break free and eventually own their own homes and be able to provide for their kids or the people, and organizations who raise dogs that help with everything from mobility issues to PTSD to seizures.

Whether we want it to be our job, our responsibility, or not, we really are called to step up and work to make the world a better place in whatever way we can. Maybe that’s singing and playing music for a group of veterans or survivors of a tragedy to give them a night’s distraction from the things they struggle with on a daily basis. Maybe that’s providing pro bono legal support to battered women. Maybe that’s taking in a family member or friend’s kids who is unemployed and can’t pay for a sitter or the kids of someone who is having health issues for a weekend once a month to give them a break. Maybe that’s connecting two people you know who have similar passions but different skill sets and could make great things happen like the ideas shared above. Maybe it’s using the publicity they’ve received on social media to share about worthy causes and people doing good things for their communities. Maybe it’s working in the police and court systems to bring justice to families who have lost so much.

No one is perfect and everyone fails and makes mistakes, that’s just the way life is. So if we know we’re going to live in a way that negatively impacts the world, it’s really our responsibility to make the world better in whatever ways we can. If we can’t avoid doing wrong, we have to do better about doing right more often and more consistently in whatever ways we can.

“No matter what our particular job, especially in our world today, we all are called to be Tikkun Olam — repairers of creation. Thank you for whatever you do, wherever you are, to bring joy, and light, and hope, and faith, and pardon and love to your neighbor and to yourself.” Fred Rogers

Reality Reflection: A Discussion on Priorities

Priorities are an interesting thing. In the world that we live in there are a few things that should always be our highest priorities like loving our families (whether by birth or choice), taking care of our bodies (through food, sleep and exercise), and making sure we have a safe space to live. In the world we live in part of taking care of ourselves and having a safe space to live is earning money to be able to afford those things, which means we also have to put some relatively high level of priority on our careers or other means of employment. So it brings us to the fact and struggle that something or someone has to come first. Priorities are both a responsibility we have as well as an opportunity. Like many things we have a choice if we’ll choose wisely or if we’ll let the wrong thing be too big of a priority.

Most people accept that family is the highest priority for just about everyone, but beyond that people have different opinions. So how is priority determined? The classic customer service answer is “first come first serve,” so whichever needs come up first get worked on first. But you can also determine priority by size like number of items, size of contract, years of commitment and relationship, or what will take the smallest/biggest commitment. Sometimes we determine priority by what has to be done first, in other words your priority might be to have coffee, but if the coffee pot is dirty, you have to clean the pot before you can have coffee. Finally, people often choose to get the work or hard priorities done first before they’re free to do the other stuff they enjoy more.

Order of activity isn’t necessarily a true indicator of priority though, for example, for many of us our work or fitness commitments or the non-profit that we volunteer with once a month is extremely important to us. This year has been interesting and a good example of that because after last year we’ve been reminded both how important our families are to us as well as how important it is to have a solid financial base. Some of us have put our work at a higher priority sometimes this year because we don’t want to be in a position to struggle as much as we did in 2020. It’s not an easy decision to make to put our family to second priority or the other commitments we’ve made. It’s an easier commitment for the short term or when we’re pushing extra hard, but it takes a serious amount of consideration to rearrange our priorities, as it should.

We should all have our own priorities, but I also think it should be a priority for each of us to care about each other and the world we share. If we aren’t careful when we’re driving, don’t try to make some eco-conscious decisions, and don’t consider how the actions we take will impact others, others will never have a choice in what priorities they have in life. What is priority in your life right now?

Reality Reflection: Life is Serious

I believe in fun and relaxation as much as the next person, but we’ve been reminded so many ways since 2020 that life is precious and you don’t know how long you have. I know that some people get a second chance in life, but most of us don’t have a forced second chance (i.e. surviving an accident, drug overdose or illness), most of us have to either make a decision to make big changes or just live the life we’ve been living. How many people would absolutely love a second chance or a few more years of life, right? But what I was thinking about as I was working with some clients this week is that sometimes you have to take life seriously. This is true whether you’re a kid or an adult, but especially true for adults.

Sometimes you have to sit down and get the homework done. Sometimes you have to take the trash out. Sometimes you have to clean up after the dog (or raccoon). Sometimes you have to get sleep to make sure you’re caring for yourself. Sometimes you have to choose to eat the vegetables (or accept your need to eat that piece of chocolate). Sometimes you have to make time for yourself and your partner even when you’ve got a laundry list of things that need doing. Sometimes you need to take a nap or a day off for your mental health or physical well being. Sometimes you have to put in extra hours and put off other things to get something really important done. Sometimes you have to ask for help to get something done on time and/or in the best way possible. Sometimes you have to do things you don’t really enjoy because you’re the one responsible. Sometimes you have to step up and make decisions about what your future holds, especially hard ones, because you’re the adult, and you have to put off play time or other things you were hoping to do.

I don’t know what’s going on in your life right now, but I do know that there are times when we’re given an opportunity to step up and be an adult, or be serious about what’s going on in your life. No one should be serious all of the time, everyone needs downtime and fun. But if everyone chose to be a little more serious about life, we would be able to conquer problems that have existed for years much quicker, and do more about preventing future issues too. How much good could be done if we all stepped up a little more often?

The Challenge of Making Choices

I’ve been thinking a lot about the choices people make lately. Sometimes it feels like there really aren’t a lot of options to choose from, that you have to follow the choices others have made in your circle or in your life. Sometimes you let your fear make snap judgements that lead you down very risky pathways. Sometimes you do run out of time or options and have to make a decision from a couple of options that don’t really thrill you or bring you joy, and for a while you have to accept that option. And sometimes it can be hard to get out of the option that you felt you had to choose because you’re scared or can’t find the motivation to do so. I know many of the men and women who end up in jail or dead end up there because they didn’t feel they had good, elevating options and they chose dangerous pathways that are difficult to come back from.

Because of sin there have always been people who chose the short-term, not-considerate-of-others, or easy-but-not-caring options, and there always will be. But most people would choose the better options if they were available and feasible for their situation. Part of the issue is that even with the wonders of the internet people don’t know about all of the options available to them, or how doable it might be to move in that new direction. Another part of the issue is that some people genuinely don’t care about others, so they are only concerned with the impact the choices they make may have on themselves (if even that). It makes them hard to love, and hard for those of us who do usually or always care about others to understand them.

I think the first thing that has to happen is for people to really understand how the choices they make can impact others both directly and through the ripple effect. Rarely does the choice you make have little or no impact on someone else, whether today and where you are or years down the line and in another part of the world. And one of the ways we do our best to fix this is setting a good example for others to follow. Sometimes you’ll have to do some destruction and tearing down (like Jesus did at the temple in Matthew 21) before you can start building up something good, but usually when you choose to live with compassion, love, a commitment to the truth, and commitment to choosing the higher path whenever possible in your daily life, you’ll set a positive example for others to see and follow. And as it turns out, living with love and compassion and consideration is not just good for others, you’ll enjoy life more as well. And sometimes, what looked to be a difficult choice, is really a very easy choice to make when you’re committed to living to a higher standard like Jesus set.

“For you have been called to live in freedom, my brothers and sisters. But don’t use your freedom to satisfy your sinful nature. Instead, use your freedom to serve one another in love.” Galatians 5:13

Reality Reflection: Proud with Plans for the Future

Today, the Fourth of July, Independence Day, is known for many things. It’s often a day that families and friends gather together around a barbecue and eat and play games together in backyards around the US. It’s also a day of parades, where veterans and community groups march or make floats to ride on. And lastly, it’s often a day of fireworks. I didn’t grow up attending fireworks displays, mostly because my brother has sensitive ears, but I’m sure if I really wanted to see fireworks one of my parents could have taken me while the other stayed home with my brother, but they never held the appeal for me like they do for many people.

The other day I was talking with some kids and they were sharing that the fireworks had been cancelled in their town for some reason, with the possibility of it being because of how loud they were for pets, and I mentioned that fireworks are also a nightmare for some of the veterans who are instantly thrown into flashbacks when they hear them. Of course being kids they suggested that the veterans and pets could just deal with it, but those of us who have experienced something traumatic in our lives know it’s never that simple or easy to “solve”.

It reminded me that as much as we’re celebrating the start of our country and the progress we’ve made as a nation today, we know that there’s another side to the story. No nation, no victory, no life ever is built without pain, sacrifices and suffering, and especially over the past few decades we’ve heard more stories of how poorly some people and groups have been treated in the name of getting our country to this point. It didn’t have to be that way, but it was and we’ve been challenged as a nation to step up and do better going forward. Maybe doing better is having fewer fireworks displays to be more sensitive to those who are bothered by them. Maybe doing better is reconstructing history class to do more than just hit the same high points every year and instead share the true challenges people faced. Maybe doing better is putting more resources towards solving cold cases and violent offenses like rapes and attacks. Maybe doing better is making sure every kid has a full stomach before they go to bed. Maybe doing better is making sure more people get a fair opportunity to succeed in life. Maybe doing better means requiring everyone to contribute towards the growth and health of our country other than paying taxes and having kids. Maybe it means being vocal and honest about the challenges people have faced since our country was born and other challenges people are facing today.

I do believe it’s a day to celebrate, but it should also be a day that motivates us to work even harder on producing a future country that our great grand children can be proud of, excited to live in, and full of plans for an even more awesome future.

Claiming Ownership of Your Life

To finish out our look at African American History month, today I want to finish with some wisdom from author, professor, and recipient of the Presidential Medal of Freedom: Toni Morrison, that is especially of note in thinking about victories:

“Freeing yourself was one thing; claiming ownership of that freed self was another.”

One of the reasons that I think schools and general education need a review is because I don’t think most students coming out of college are really prepared for the “real world” anymore. Maybe decades ago it was different, but I’ve always said I felt overprepared for college and underprepared for the world after college. It’s especially frustrating after you spend all the money on college, and the time as well, to only wonder “what am I supposed to do now?” Hopefully that’s not the experience of everyone, but it also speaks to the experience people often have when they’re faced with a change of lifestyle or culture, for example when they go from enslaved to free, bean counter to boss, in a bad long term relationship to single, caring for an ill family member to free from that responsibility. Sometimes our change in situation can be exactly what we want, but we’re not quite sure what to do with it now that we have it. Sure we’ve always had dreams, but there’s a lot more to reality than just what we dream.

I don’t want to discourage you from pursuing freedoms, victories or the future just because you may experience some confusion or lack of knowledge. Rather, it’s an encouragement to really research your dreams and things you think you want to achieve before jumping into action, an encouragement to reach out and ask for help when you are feeling out of your depth, and an encouragement to leaders to make sure we fulfill our responsibilities to those who may come after us as well as those who follow us.

It’s great to want bigger and better things, to be in more control of your life, and be free to do the things that matter most to you or we want to do, but if we’re really honest about it most of us don’t really want to sit on the beach 365 days a year drinking fruity alcoholic beverages (or whatever your particular “if I could do anything…” statements might be), because it won’t truly keep us happy for the long haul. And if we are able to achieve those victories and bigger and better things, it’s important to not take them for granted or waste the opportunity both for ourselves and those we can support as a result of our success. Are you claiming ownership of your freedoms, opportunities and blessings?