How Do I See Myself?

“What labels have I used to describe myself? What names do I secretly call myself? In what ways do I criticize or belittle myself? The challenge is to peel back the label and take a fresh look. Can I see myself as Jesus sees me? If we can get past our labels, we might be able to see the beauty in others and in ourselves.” Br. David Vryhof

Wow! I read that quote recently and it caught me off guard because so often we don’t take a fresh look. While I don’t think we think as little of ourselves as we do our shampoo, sometimes it’s the case that we just keep using something, like shampoo, because we always have. It’s just what we use/who we are/what we do. But are we really happy with it? Do we really like the results? Is it easier to not ask those questions and to just accept it? Of course. But things change, needs change, we change, and sometimes we don’t pay attention to the need to change too.

More importantly, what changes are necessary in our lives? Are we the ones that are causing our own struggles and holding ourselves back because we’re really good at beating ourselves down? Other people may know us really well, but we’ve got a front-row seat to our lives and our decisions. Sometimes it’s good to be critical because it helps us grow and we need to recognize when we’ve done wrong so that we can improve the next time. But more often than not we beat ourselves up long after and more than we need to.

Throughout the Bible we do see God encouraging people to recognize their failures and seek forgiveness. We also read some “woe is me” conversations that people have, and God gently (or not) corrects them. But time and again what God goes back to is that we’re to love. Just like it’s not loving to be constantly putting others down, the same holds true for ourselves. God is definitely a ‘build them up’ God. Sometimes that building up starts with tearing down, but any good builder knows that you don’t build something new on an existing foundation if it’s in poor shape, you fix it first.

This week when you catch yourself calling yourself names or continuing to beat yourself up long after you should have forgiven yourself, learned from it and let it go, take a step back and a breath and decide if it’s time to reroute the conversation with yourself into something more productive and positive. See if you can see yourself as the person God knows you can be.

Peace and Remembrance

Are you someone who enjoys reading seasonal devotionals? I do for many reasons, including that I get to hear new perspectives on passages I’ve read many times. I enjoy reading both those that are short and sweet (and take just a few days to finish) and those that will bring me from the first day of Advent all the way to and through Christmas Day. Time and again a devotional has a message or verse that really speaks to me, and so often I’m blessed by connections they make between passages or stories and/or seasonal events. This time it happens to be a connection between something Jesus said as part of his adult ministry that connects with this week’s Advent theme for many (and our theme for this series), peace. Matthew 18:12–14 says:

“If a man has a hundred sheep and one of them wanders away, what will he do? Won’t he leave the ninety-nine others on the hills and go out to search for the one that is lost? And if he finds it, I tell you the truth, he will rejoice over it more than over the ninety-nine that didn’t wander away! In the same way, it is not my heavenly Father’s will that even one of these little ones should perish.”

How much peace does it give you to know that your life would be missed if you weren’t here? One of the great comforts of believing in God is that we know from this passage and others in the Bible that He pays very close attention to each of us and cares about each of us, down to the individual hairs on our heads. And, as Jesus shares in this parable, to Him it’s worth it to go find the one of us who gets lost, leaving the others where they’re together and safe.

As comforting and reassuring as God’s attention is, there’s something to be said for the fact that we don’t live with Him, we live on a planet with 8 billion other people, and sometimes it feels like we’re alone even though we’re surrounded by that many people. That adds a damper to the peace we feel by knowing that God is paying attention to our lives. Like many others I’ve been checking in with people I haven’t spoken with in a while as seems to happen in the holiday season and when I mention to mutual friends that I spoke with them they often say “Oh! I’ve been thinking about them and meaning to talk to them!”

Yes, it’s reassuring to know that people are thinking about us and do care about us, even if they haven’t made the effort to reach out. I’m sure that more people do think about us and care about us than we could imagine, and definitely more than we know. So maybe this holiday season you can give the gift of peace and reassurance by reaching out through more than just a holiday card or prayer and actually meet up with or chat with someone you’ve been thinking about but haven’t made the effort to call. I know how busy we are this time of year, but even a few text messages can make such a difference to someone’s peace and help fight seasonal depression they may be experiencing or just the gremlins of self doubt that we struggle with from time to time. Who have you been thinking about recently and will reach out to this week? It might surprise you how much peace you experience by making that contact too.

Building Others Up

One of the topics that I’ve talked about frequently on my Business and Family blog, especially in the past few years, is the topic of the importance of gratitude and recognition at work. One of the reasons that really pushed people over the top in the past few years of choosing to change jobs is the fact that they didn’t feel like they were making a contribution at work and/or they weren’t being recognized for the work they were doing. One is simply a matter of making sure that people can connect the dots and are aware of where and how their work impacts the whole story, for example in a newsletter, meeting or other type of update. The other is much more challenging and requires consistent, regular effort on everyone’s part, because after all, one moment of recognition a year during your yearly review isn’t sufficient or what we’re talking about here.

Why is this such a big topic of conversation? Because more than ever our work lives and personal lives aren’t so separate, and what goes on at work definitely continues to affect us after we go home. You may remember the TV shows from a decade or three ago where the mom wearing her cute apron would ask the dad “How was your day, dear?” when he got home from wherever he worked, and he would regularly have complaints to share along with a big sigh or two, and that’s back then when we still accepted work being what it was and just dealt with it. But now with the gifts of technology, also comes the “always on” work mode that many of us find ourselves in. Additionally, I believe we’re under more stress than we used to be, meaning that I don’t think it was just a case of there was less stress and depression reported back then but the numbers are actually the same, but that we actually do experience more stress and depression and other mental health challenges now. Not to mention that we’ve really made a lot of progress on pushing companies to see their employees as not just a number on the balance sheet but actual humans who have rights and deserve to be treated with at least a measure of respect and consideration, and people are wanting to be emotionally treated well along with being physically treated decently.

So where does that bring us as people of faith and people who want to follow Jesus’ example of how to treat others? It brings us to Romans 15:2 which says: “We should help others do what is right and build them up in the Lord.” One way to look at this topic is through the lens of school and education. We don’t send our kids to school one day and say that they’re good and don’t have to go back ever or for another year, right? School, and learning in general, is something that happens consistently over time, and should never really end. We build on what we learned previously with new knowledge, context and details. Yes, sometimes we need to rebuild or start from scratch because we’re learning about or living something completely new, but the idea of building people up and consistently encouraging them, noticing them and what they do (in a positive way of course), keeping them in the loop of information, and working to build our relationship with them is exactly what this passage is talking about and a great way of bringing to life the tough question of “how do I love people?”

It may not happen right away, but if you start being an example of building others up at work, others will soon follow your example and everyone will have a healthier and happier work environment (or you’ll really understand that it’s time for you to move on, regardless of how much you may like the work you do or the company you work for in general terms). How do you build others up?

Reality Reflection: Depression, Confidence and Living Through It

As so many people can attest, life since 2020 began has been really rough on the mind, emotions and spirit. It’s discouraging to hear that people really don’t have answers (especially those who are supposed to), or that what used to be such a cornerstone in your life isn’t going to be that way for a while or maybe ever again, or that if you want to survive things have to dramatically change, or that rather than seeing some encouraging steps forward it seems like it’s been one hit after another. It’s really easy to not only let the mental gremlins get away with tramping all over your mind, but to be set adrift by the lack of consistency or ability to make and keep plans. And that’s on top of the depression and other mental struggles that people like myself have navigated for years.

I can’t tell you that evidence points to us having really turned any confidence corners yet, but I can say that it’s absolutely time that you give yourself a break and have a little more confidence in yourself. Celebrate the fact that you got up today. Celebrate the fact that even though you weren’t able to buy extras at the grocery store, you still bought some really healthy and tasty vegetables and right-price seafood. Celebrate the fact that you can take an hour and go sit outside with a book in the shade of a local park. Celebrate that you’ve caught up on laundry, even if it’s just for today.

My point is that it’s OK to find things to be thankful for even if they’re super small. I know it can be tiring being thankful for the little things that have always been in your life like electricity and the ability to make a cup of tea or coffee, but if that’s where we have to start to regain our confidence, I say that’s a great place to start.

One other thought: don’t forget to keep living. I know how easily the depression and uncertainty can drag you down. But sometimes you just have to decide that even if you’re uncertain, even if it’s not done perfectly, even if you can’t do things in the way that you might want to or to the caliber you’re used to in the past, you’re going to go ahead and live a little bit anyway. Don’t throw yourself into the “pool” yet, but get out there and stick your toes in the water and give yourself the opportunity to see the world, be reminded that there’s still good in it, and maybe you’ll even discover a place where you fit in better than where you are now.

Worthy of Being Loved

Like so many other things in life, love can be a two way street. Of course it doesn’t have to be, we can love ice cream but that doesn’t mean it will love us back, and there have been too many stories of people who are obsessed in what they believe is love with someone who definitely doesn’t return their affections. But usually we think about love as a two way street: I love you and you love me. In these types of loving relationships they can span the distance from more friend like love which may last a very long time but never gets very deep, to love that with each new level and depth reached just seems to go deeper, wider and longer with potential. It’s not easy to reach that level of love because it requires a ton of trust, and not just trust and belief in your partner, but trust and belief in yourself as well.

One of the reasons some people become their own worst enemy and end up in a string of unfulfilling and even damaging relationships is because they doubt their own value and whether or not they’re worthy of being loved. Until you can get to the point of not only truly loving and valuing yourself, but also the point of seeing yourself as worthy of being loved, I don’t think you can get to that deep love (which is bad news for those hoping to be celebrating love with someone special this Valentine’s Day).

This isn’t just true about our human relationships, it’s about our relationship with God too. Every time you doubt whether or not God loves you, it hurts Him. I know, we do some pretty stupid (even spectacularly embarrassing) things on a weekly or even daily basis. We also spend probably more time than we should failing and not living up to the expectations we set for ourselves, regardless of how unrealistic they are. We also tend to try too hard to live up to some metric that we think will make God love us more, or make sure His love for us doesn’t stop.

Maybe the best news we can all get this Valentine’s Day is that God’s love for us knows no bounds. God loves us so much He was willing to send His son Jesus to die on the cross for your sins and mine, because He loves us, and as it says in Ephesians 3:18-19a: “And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully.”

This week as we look ahead to Valentine’s Day, I encourage you to open your heart and mind to the deeper deeper love that can exist, which is when you are able to recognize, appreciate, and most of all feel worthy of being loved. Why? Just because you’re you. Maybe the best Valentine’s Day gift you can give yourself is to commit to learning to love yourself and God more and learning to accept God’s love for you.

“What moves God is not just your love for Him, but recognizing His love for you. It pleases God when you know you are dearly loved. That’s why the Scripture says, “Come boldly to the throne.” Don’t go to Him feeling unworthy.” Joel Osteen

You Are Key to Accomplishing Victories

One of the most powerful tools in accomplishing victories in your life is you! That’s why it’s so important to keep growing, to know yourself, to care for yourself, and to be honest with yourself. It’s not always easy finding time to care for yourself when what seems like needs to happen is action that will directly impact your victory journey, but if you don’t stop to care for yourself or stop to consider if it’s the right step for you, you can end up not making it to the finish line or in places you don’t want to be. But let’s assume that you truly do care about yourself and do act responsibly both towards yourself and your victories.

Let’s start with growing. Growing is interesting in this discussion because sometimes the right thing is not to grow if you’re going to be true to yourself. Sometimes growing more won’t help you get any better or faster, and instead there’s a better step for you to take. But usually the right thing is growth. It’s important to grow and expand your horizons, so that you don’t get too comfortable or complacent and you’re able to meet the new challenges that are created as the world changes and grows too.

When it comes to knowing yourself and being honest with yourself, some of this is about knowing what your limits are and being comfortable with being honest with yourself and others about those limits. Again, you can always learn something new about yourself and you’ll change many times between the time you become an adult and the end of your life, and part of the honesty is about being honest when something needs to change or if you’re pushing yourself too hard.

Finally, caring for yourself is important to accomplishing victories because while some victories are accomplished after your death because of the vision you laid out or started, most people need to be around for their victories to be reached. So go ahead and make time for naps, take advantage of the local produce and farmers markets to have healthy food at prices most people can afford, take time to hydrate, spend time with a variety of people (spending more time with those you care more about like your immediate family and significant other of course), giving yourself downtime/meditation time/reading time to recharge your batteries that don’t recharge through sleep or physical nourishment, and of course do your best to avoid stressful situations or staying in them for a long time.

How well do you know yourself? If you knew and cared for yourself better would you accomplish more victories or be better able to enjoy the victories you accomplish? What “you time” did you have this week or are planning for the weekend?

Don’t Dwell on Your Mistakes

“Don’t dwell on your mistakes.” It’s a great bit of advice that I think all of us have heard from time to time, but almost impossible to follow. Why? Because we’re really good at thinking and considering and contemplating, which can absolutely be a good thing, but can really hold us back when we get stuck dwelling on a mistake. I’ve talked before about how important it can be to know what you did wrong, but there’s a difference between evaluating and dwelling. And yes, sometimes it’s our ability to go over and over and over something that is actually what gives us the breakthrough we’ve been looking for.

But dwelling on our mistakes isn’t productive because it’s kicking ourselves over and over. Rarely does it help our confidence, victories, successes, or relationships when we’re busy berating ourselves. Because the fact is everyone messes up from time to time. Not every hit results in a base, run or homerun. We shouldn’t celebrate our failures, but do we need to go so far as kicking ourselves? The question really has to do with if the kick-in-the-butt we give ourselves is going to help us be more committed to doing better the next time, or if it’s just going to needlessly hurt us.

As we get into our last years, most of us will have at least a couple of things we regret or big screw-ups that we wished we didn’t remember. These hard lessons are part of life, but we can and should of course do everything we can to avoid them or make the fall-out as minimal as possible. One of the best things we can do to not consistently get into the habit of dwelling is to consistently pep-talk ourselves, listen to positive speeches, read positive and inspiring stories, be in relationships with people who lift us up, and do our very best to have a positive outlook on life. And if you find yourself consistently dwelling on mistakes, there’s a really good chance that there are other areas of your life that could use some picking up, shaping up, and changing up also.

Victories are often a question of choices, and failures and mistakes are no different. Will you choose to let yourself be dragged really far down by a mistake, or will you choose to get up and dust yourself off and learn from your mistake as you move forward? As the old sayings go: ‘you have to get back on the horse sometime’ and “Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise” (Philippians 4:8). Choose to celebrate your victories, not dwell on your mistakes.

Songs of the Season: Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer

Today I want to talk about one of my partner’s favorite Christmas characters and the story shared through the song Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer. The song tells the story of a reindeer with a red nose who was teased for having one because all the other reindeer had regular dark colored noses, how fog created a dangerous flying situation for Santa on Christmas Eve, causing Santa to ask Rudolph to lead the way so they could see and deliver all the presents to kids for Christmas, and being a true leader Rudolph stepped up and led the way and saved Christmas.

One of the biggest reasons people love the song is because it’s about victories for the underdog, for the weird ones, for those who are different.  I don’t know too many people who haven’t been bullied at some point in their life or felt different and like they couldn’t compare to others.  Sometimes our harshest critic is ourselves, but often that rejection or questioning starts with what someone else says or does.  It’s sometimes hard to accept what’s different about you as something good, but as Rudolph showed, it’s being different that can make the biggest impact or be exactly what’s right in a situation.

It’s also a song about teamwork. Most of us have worked with a team in our years in school or work that has been less than awesome or supportive. It wasn’t an easy experience and you may have been downright excited to be done and not work with that group going forward. I can’t imagine Rudolph was excited to work Christmas Eve with the other reindeer, at least not until they showed him that they were accepting of him being part of the team, that he was a valuable asset for the team, and that he was welcome with his red nose. Rudolph had to have the courage to be open to accepting their change of heart and trying to work with those who he hadn’t gotten along with, or his hurt could have ruined Christmas for all those children.

This Christmas I encourage you to embrace what’s unique and special about you. After all, that’s what the Christmas stories are about: both Santa and Jesus bring something to the table that the rest of us can’t and don’t. And if you’ve got a relationship that needs some work, I encourage you to step up and try to make your part in it right so that you can hopefully move forward better together. Life is too short to let our differences keep us apart or for us to let things that should be fixable to cause permanent division. Choose to celebrate together this holiday season and work together to make victories happen for those you love.

You Are Enough

An acquaintance of mine was let go of at her job recently. It’s always hard to hear when that happens, even if you’re not really close with a person because almost all of us need the work (and paycheck) to live. I know her well enough to know that she and her boss are both strong personalities and she had struggled with some issues in the past regarding the job and her boss, so while it’s not a timely event, I wasn’t greatly surprised that it happened, it was just a lot sooner than I thought it might happen.

In processing this event the topic of ‘enough’ came up. It’s a topic we all contemplate from time to time: Am I doing enough at work? Am I doing enough at home? Am I doing enough with my partner? Where am I/we going to find enough hours in the day for all of this? Will I/we ever have enough time? Doesn’t the world have enough content and blogs and people selling this thing already? Will I/we ever have enough resources? Am I enough?

It’s a touchy subject but one that I think needs consideration on all aspects. Let’s start with the last question. I believe that each of us are sufficient for the calling we have on our lives. I don’t believe we have to be anyone else, nor should we try to be. It’s when we try to do more than we’re capable of or asked to do that we tend to trip ourselves up. As far as the other questions, yes, we each do have a responsibility to contribute to the best of our ability each and every day to all parts of our lives.

But we also have to consider the contribution that others are putting forth and if they’re not doing their part. You can encourage them to contribute more or explain how you’re feeling or talk with them about renegotiating expectations, but if they don’t want to live up to their responsibility that’s ultimately their issue. Unfortunately sometimes the rest of us get caught up in that though, and sometimes it comes down to the fact that you can only do your part and leave it at that.

So what if you’re the one who’s not enough? Start by making a serious list of your responsibilities, what your priorities are (how you’re focusing your time), contributions on a daily basis, and areas where you’re consistently struggling. If the things you’re focusing on aren’t lining up with what other people are sharing, then either you need to re-prioritize, or you need to have a discussion with them and make changes.

What about you? What have you been really successful in this week? What areas have you struggled in? How will you finish this week strong?

Reality Reflection: Why me?

In thinking about Mother’s Day tomorrow, the topics of self worth and self confidence came up.  Some days we’re really confident in who we are and what we can do, but other days it seems like we can do nothing right and nothing is going our way and there doesn’t seem to be a victory or end in sight.  Are we struggling because we have doubts or are we struggling because we’re not open to the good stuff?

When we do seem to be making progress we wonder why it’s so easy. We wonder at the good things that come our way, as well as the bad things. Why is it hard for us to accept the good as well as the bad?  Why don’t we trust in, appreciate or accept the good stuff when it comes our way?

Yes, we’ve been burned by offers that promise the moon and don’t even leave the ground. We’ve been hurt by people we trust. But when it’s not life or death that we’re being offered, but a simple kindness, why do we still struggle to accept or refuse?

Unfortunately, a lot of it has to do with how we’ve been treated and how we view ourselves. Self esteem issues are rampant in our society, even those of us who have no reason whatsoever to have issues do. It’s unfortunately like walking past a smoker: you can catch it without even trying. Maybe you haven’t done anything to be worthy of the kindness of another, maybe God just chooses to bestow it on you.

This week instead of just dismissing the good stuff that comes your way, or ignoring it and pretending it didn’t approach you, I encourage you to open your arms to it and be thankful for it. When you focus on the good stuff, it’s been shown that more good stuff comes your way. What good things will fill your life when you open up to them?